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Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
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What's up, everybody.
So more and more, the world around me is affirming things that I already had a steadfast belief in- that fortune favors the bold, that happiness is what really matters, that there's value in old friends, and that everything changes. However, the universe hasn't been telling me that posting in livejournal is of particular urgency or importance, so sorry if I've been slacking a little.
School's almost out, and I'll finally be going back home soon. Of course, I'm taking summer classes and working in the studio, so it'll be right back to baltimore a few weeks after getting back down to buckingham, but hey, life is life no matter where you live it.
But I really do need to take some time to myself- I'm starting to feel spent, like I'm forgetting things that I used to tell myself were important. I need to have some time to reflect, to remember everything that I would have wanted myself to remember a year ago, two years ago, and more. I need to open my eyes again the way I know I can and see what I need to see in order to move forward from where I am to where it's best for me to be. I need to stop being so focused on writing papers and making grades- I really do feel like it's distracting me from what I want and need to be focused on.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Monday, January 28th, 2008
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Havn't posted in a while. Turned 21, got a new tattoo. I can't post a picture here, because of something with my lj account status. Still in school, my recital's coming up soon.
Here's a funny anecdote- I was walking down the street, about to unlock my bike which was locked to a street sign, when some dude walks up to me and says "Oh man, I was just about to pick up that bike!". I laughed and said that I had shown up right on time, then. This city's cool.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, November 27th, 2007
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Thanksgiving was great- Christmas should be cool too.
But I think I'll remember tonight- I'll remember it because I can, because I don't take many chances to remember other memorable nights. Because how can I ever be myself if I keep letting the same chances fall through my grip time and time again?
I think I like night better than day because you can see so much more of the sky- daytime is dominated by the sun, but you can see equally well at night- you don't really loose much of the detail in the subtle illumination of a clear, full moon, and the heavens are just open to you.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, November 17th, 2007
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I havn't remembered a lot of things in a while- I havn't forgotten them, just forgotten to think about them, To think about things other than here, now.
They're good to think about, I'd do it more often- I should.
So much moving ahead, so little staying around, and what I'd love now is what's behind me. So much progress and determination in a life.
I'm still waiting, though. That's the secret- moving forward, but still waiting.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, October 11th, 2007
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You guys remember the early 90's?
Remember the old-ass apple computers with those dinky little educational games on them?
Remember that one game that wasn't lame and actually completely ruled?
Remember Oregon Trail?
...I just downloaded it. I tried to ford the river and my f*cking oxen died.
http://mac.the-underdogs.info/index.php?show=game&id=101
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, September 24th, 2007
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Really can't wait to graduate.
Also, I'm pretty well decided now- I'm going to get the big tattoo (my 3rd now) on my birthday. Exciting.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, September 20th, 2007
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I was reading through some other entries in here and I liked reading about actual events. It reminded me of things I hadn't really thought about since they happened, big or small. So, I'm going to write about actual events so that I can look back later and say "Hey! real stuff! how cool!"
This whole week I've been really tired. Sleeping early, sleeping in, wanting to take a bunch of naps. I've also been thinking a fair amount- specifically about where I'm headed and whatnot. I know that everything ultimately boils down to what I want- what makes me happy, what I want to do (because in the end, my basic intentions and desires are indistinguishable from the intentions and desires I have for others and for everything around me). So far, I've got this- I want to finish a writing project that I started about a year and a half ago, and look into getting it published. Also, I want to finish school, then perform/teach/record in a pseudo-freelance manner. I'd really rather not be tied down working for a particular corporation doing gigs for their customers selling their product. Not that I don't want to work for anyone else, or that I don't like the prospect of working with people. I'd just rather have the product be my own. I'd like my professional life reflect my own capacity for flexibility and change. Ultimately, I'd like a family. I'd like to raise a child or two. I want to get older, I want to stay healthy and sane, and ease into my own death eventually. I'd like to grow my own food, can it, and be self-sufficient. I'd like to learn more so that I have more to teach my children. I really want to stop watching television completely. I'd like to make time in my day to read those books lying over there. I'd like to walk for a long time- walk and make my bed beneath the stars. For a few years- maybe up in the mountains somewhere. Or on the coast. I'd like to know that at least a few of my friends are sincere. I'd like to go for a month without being expected to talk. I really want to help- I really want to help people change for the better. I think a lot of things would be easier if I was simply told what to do. I think a lot of things would be easier if nobody ever told anyone what to do. I think there's a lot of things that I'll never be able to effect- I think I'm only one person with fantasies too large and optimistic for my own good. I also think that believing what I just said is self-induced weakness and is the only obstacle preventing us from having a greater impact than we do.
That's really about it. That, and I've been tired alot this week. Sleeping alot.
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Comments: Read 9 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, September 6th, 2007
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I feel as though summer filled me.
Sitting outside at night, watching the lightning pass at a distance-
sweating in the heat.
Every action these days seems to be so quiet at heart.
Even the drunken brawls.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 14th, 2007
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Unscramble the following paragraph;
I'm at the with the It's makes beach would beach Ibalu for of so ocean- move with rest the week. just it day be all relaxing, watching the think I'll the life- the me that some here. would do my down Living on last my out of the thing I ocean memories to the would wash I end and simply live days. my
Post a comment with your un-scrambled version.
Hint; it's not just random.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, August 12th, 2007
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Back at home. I'm finally done with my summer classes, passed all of them, and now I have my month of freedom. Not too much else to tell you guys. I hope you're doing productive things with your lives, and that those productive things are thoroughly satisfying. I know mine are.
If you're not being productive, then you can answer me these questions three;
1. What is plastic made of, and how do you make it?
2. How many letters are there in the average sentence?
3. What is the least-spoken, non-dead language today, and how do you say "answer me these questions three" in it?
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, August 1st, 2007
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Time and again, I've seen the future
felt where the metro door would stop
seen the fall before ever the ground broke
known what any path would hold without having ever walked it.
Every day, I've loved the present
known that it holds the universe entire
felt the weight slip off my shoulders
when the line between here and there vanished
tonight, I smell rain coming a long way off
a great storm that will sweep me up
and leave behind that which once was my life
Tonight, I feel the greatest satisfaction
coming a long way off.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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These memories are but myths- tales with clear morals that make me smile.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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So I've been on a fairly well-controlled diet (that's really about as informal as "don't eat so much, lardass") accompanied by mad crazy workout scheduals. But, today I was compelled to go get some of that deliciously greasy beef lo mein at Lexington Market- so I gave in and went, looking forward to an entirely satisfying meal.
But when I got there, ahead of me in line were two women who were so overweight that they were restricted to electronic wheelchairs- the kind with the joystick that controls your movement. Now, what struck me most at the time wasn't their unfortunate condition- it was that they were in line at the same place I was about to eat, ordering the same thing in the same size container. It made me reconsider my whole venture- would I, too, be restricted to a wheelchair on account of my lo mein? Was it actually a bad idea for me to give into the temptation to eat strictly on account of my desire for a particular taste rather than genuine hunger? Is submission to hunger a sign of weakness, which will eventually cripple a human both physically and morally? By indulging this momentary lapse of will and self-discipline, would I be set back in my progress to a healthy life? Or is a healthy lifestyle one that indulges every one of life's pleasures as though they were your last? Will I, 50 years from now, regret having a state of mind that encouraged restriction rather than pleasure?
Actually, I didn't really think any of that. I got the lo mein and it was every bit as good as I thought it would be. The healthiest part of my life is that, regardless of whether I indulge or deny myself life's pleasures, I do so with the utmost certainty and deliberation- I waste not a moment of my existence on second guessing myself.
Now, I go for a run to make up for it.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, June 21st, 2007
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So after taking the exam I had today, I went to peabody, practiced lute for a while, then grabbed some groceries and walked back to the apartment, then remembered that I had forgotten all my keys- couldn't even get in the building. Went to the leasing place, got a spare, got in, ran it back down to them when I had my own key, then came into my apartment and passed the hell out. Funny thing was, that my dream was that I was passed out on a couch. The whole dream, other things were happening around me, but it was all centered on the frame of reference of me being passed out on a couch, just like I actually was at the time. I guess this is a good sign- things don't really stress me out at all, just make me physically tired, and that my mind is sufficiently free from misconceptions about who, where, and what I am that even my notoriously vivid and weird dreams are now just honest and straightforward.
In other news, a few weeks ago I bought a new rear wheel for my bike, as someone had stolen the previous one in the interim period of my absence from baltimore this summer. The bike was locked up inside peabody...I really can't imagine anyone inside peabody who'd need it that badly. Anyway, I had just bought a new one, and on the bike ride back to my apartment from the bike shop I hit a pothole and the new tire simply exploded. Tubing all tangled inside the spokes and everything- it was a nasty, gruesome sight. So I dragged it back to the apartment, and locked it up just outside the garage, only locking up the front wheel and the main part of the bike, as to say "if anyone really, really wants a messed up rear wheel, be my guest, I don't plan on using it for a while" and started walking everywhere. A few days ago, however, I walked past my bike and noticed that someone had actually placed a brand new rear tire, tubing inside and everything, completely ready for me to just replace the old one with it, right on the handlebars.
I consistantly encourage myself to be in a state of waking meditation- to percieve exactly what is, not what I wish it to be or what it is not, and to seek the true nature any reality in which I am an integral part such that my actions reflect it's need and it's fruits satiate my needs. However, it's less common to see such a direct, particular manifestation of the universe "filling your needs" in a not-so-metaphysical way like ''need a new tire? here's one!". So thanks, whoever didn't need that tire. This is exactly the manner in which society can ultimately thrive- provide what you are able, and never let the concept of debt or compensation even enter your mind. Someone needs something, give them what you can, and they owe you nothing, because you are not independant and isolated from one another, but inherently connected in both the literal sense of living in the same area and in the more philosophical manner that one persons actions, thoughts, and needs are simply a continuation of the consequence of your actions, thoughts, and needs and therefore are the same actions, thoughts and needs in the broad sense. Helping others IS helping yourself- and you owe yourself nothing when you feed yourself. Don't impose troubling ideals on the world around you and it won't trouble you with their consequences, both internally and externally.
So there's a good long entry that should make good passtime reading for anyone bored at home (jk_notreally)
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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I'm at a pretty good place. My guitar playing has progressed such that I could take on any piece of music of any style or difficulty and master it- which is ultimately one of the few goals of a musician. Which is good, given it's my chosen art. My recording prowess is quickly growing beyond mere proficiency- which is good, given it's my chosen profession. I'm healthy, I'm sane, I'm able to feed myself. I'm happy- I have the luxury of choosing to see the good in everything.
I'll soon be completely able to survive and be self-sufficient in contemporary American society. However, right now, and for a while now, I've had everything necessary to fulfill my ultimate potential as a human; the potential to know only compassion, admiration, and humility in the face of the world around and within me.
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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In all, I cannot but love anything my life comes upon,
because I am free.
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Back in Baltimore, moved (moving) into the new appartment. Baltimore is a pretty good place to be in the summer, without too much to do- there's just as much to the city as I thought I was missing when I was busy with school in the winter. It'll be great living with my sister next year, but right now it's pretty nice having the place to myself. I'm becoming a master chef- today I tried to make a pound cake which ended up being a very ugly cake but was tasty as hell.
Also got my second tattoo today. It was interesting- I walked in with a design in hand, and they photocopied my original onto stencil paper and used that as the guide. So pretty much it's in my own handwriting, which is cool and all, it's not bad looking, I just thought that they'd fix anything wrong with it...I guess there was nothing wrong with it.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Hey everybody
School's out, I'm going to be taking care of some very serious business for the next week (even if it happens to be at the beach), but please feel free to give me a call and say that you want me to drive somewhere and see you for a while. I just got back from a great camping / backpacking trip- I smell like woodsmoke and ocean breeze, and I feel at home with myself. It's a good start to the summer- sunburns aside. We went to Assateague island off the Maryland coast- it's the one that's paired with Chincoteague and has all the wild ponies on it. The first night we showed up, there was a fog so thick that you couldn't see 10 feet of the beach around you- standing halfway down from the dune, you couldn't see the ocean at all. There's stories about spirits travelling in that kind of mist; I like to think there was a spirit or two in that mist, enjoying the wild ponies and ocean air along with me.
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The schoolyear's almost out. It's almost time for me to get a solid night's sleep.
I wanted to post, but I really have nothing to say. I've got no thoughts, no ideas, no revelations. I've just been living day to day with the little challenges and dramas that come from it.
It's time for me to leave here.
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Happy bday to my sister.
My brother, father, sister and I all celebrated by getting matching tattoos.
Not going to lie, it stung a little. Now it feels like I have a very colorful, artistic sunburn on my ankle.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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